consolations

I wonder if you know the power you have. That I have afforded it to you so easily. How quickly I digress from the programming I was sure was hardwired. It’s a comfort to know that my migratory patterns can be diverted. I’m not sure I’d ever care where I was going if I was alongside you.

It’s not something that I rue, but it is a vulnerability I wear on my sleeve. At any moment, I could be capsized by my own fateful choices. I am ever aware of how easily I could fall from this vantage, of how deeply I could sink. But I would make the same choices all over again. I’d forfeit sunshine for your perfect smile. I’d forsake whole months of apathy for a night that stretches until 3 am. Don’t think there’s anything I renounce. Even in light of the worst of it all, I would make all the same decisions a thousand times in hope for the very same best of it all. 

Such a preposterous, indefensible heart I have. It leaves nearly nothing for itself. When it loves, it does so without restriction. But perhaps I wouldn’t know. It seems this is the first time I’ve felt compelled to put it on the line in such a manner. A virgin firing squad prepped for desolation. But even if I were to look down the barrel, I know that I wouldn’t have afforded my affections any differently, even if you were loading the chamber. And so you see, silly little heart that relinquishes what power it has the first time it finds something true and worthy.

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