Are we ever more than the smallest thing we ever were? Now that I’m grown, I wonder: Will there ever be a day when I’ve moved past the stunted sapling I once was, or will my thoughts stay rooted in this place where I was planted? Do we, in light of the grand and beautiful things we collect throughout our lifetimes, ever cease to gaze … Continue reading saplings

I do these quiet hunts, like a nimble arctic fox through a snow bank, looking for the source of the quaking. This well of hurt that shakes my perfectly average days and floods doubt through the extraordinary ones. I think it must not be January. I was just born then. Still new to this peak I’d hiked. I didn’t care much for the advances of … Continue reading big love

I am allowing myself to be free of the pain. I’ve been standing in a cell with an open door and today I am walking out. I am allowing myself to feel secure in my future. The only things I find disquiet in are silences and imagined irrealities. I am giving myself permission to buy into what I see instead of making contingencies for what … Continue reading This will be.

These little pleas we extend to depression. Deals with our devil. I’m still here. But I’m not at the forefront of this vessel. I can’t stop the tears, I can’t reason with my logic. An anchor to my chest binds me to this place in the dark recesses of my being and depression steers. I can see where we’re walking and I know what I … Continue reading i will sit with you in the dark

trust, like grace, tests my limits of its understanding. it’s not that I don’t trust in faithfulness, in spoken word, in the intentions of the heart. it’s that I didn’t know there was something more, a caveat. i must trust in the longevity of it all. that the nature of what i trust isn’t fickle and contingent. that the uninviting dregs of sleep don’t divert … Continue reading faith

Where do you go when you’re gone? I never know, only that you’ve left. It’s in these moments that I realize how I feed from your light, the days when you’re warm and doting glow ethereal in my mind. It’s only once it’s tucked away, a meager few rays spared, that I know how cold I can get. That I know how much I rely … Continue reading Come out, you’re hiding

It’s unnervingly still. The air hangs quietly, the gaps of my inactivity punctuated. But the room is full. The ghosts of my made decisions visiting idly in bone-chilling proximity with the phantoms of my past fears. New ones enter wordlessly and take their place in my overcapacity apartment. Somehow, in the absence of anyone else, I find myself in a crowded room. Clinging desperately to … Continue reading a frailty i did not intend

It’s the proximity I celebrate. The nearness to the flames singeing my supple flesh. I delight when it’s stoked by a wind I don’t anticipate. It’s a free-falling, middle of the night realization. It’s not if but when. A train arriving into a station I’d contented myself not to see. It’s the precipice of forever, and I’m standing with trust and open arms. But I … Continue reading otherness

I can know the truth in your words and they can still bring me sadness. I can understand the steps that brought you to this place and the destination can still confound me. I can find a grace that opens the windows on this sweltering moment and I can still feel defeated in the next. I can accept a resolve and still waver from it … Continue reading fool

Have you ever thought about how spectacularly misconceived it is that another can love you? How humorlessly funny it is that it is possible at all? Here I am being perfectly boring, existing quite unremarkably. In the shirt I woke up in, that ill-mannered slurp of my coffee, yellow-hued coming off day six of a bad cold. And you make love to me in the … Continue reading synapses