Cool devotions

I feed the pit inside me off of unfairness. It’s unfair of me to harvest my fears from the sources that give me so many reasons to not place doubt. I see how the world around me unfolds in serendipitous and reassuring ways, the path that’s being laid before me by their unfurling petals promising and beautiful. And I am so desperately happy that the gentlest snap of a twig sends me off the ground. I’m scared that it won’t all be enough, that little things will be too much. I’m terrified of knowing that there’s nothing I wouldn’t do to keep the petals falling but I cannot know for sure that it’s true of you. And so I feed the pit inside me with that unwarranted despair. Unwarranted because I feel myself sheltered with cool devotion, I watch as you pull back branches for me, you bring such a special brand of wonder to my life that I muse that maybe it’s me that’s remiss. What a curious thought, when I spend hours sulking under the notion that a night wasn’t perfect.

If it wasn’t this, it would be something. That much we know is true. What plagues us has never graced another. What torments them won’t ever be an issue here. I don’t wish the grass to be greener, I simply wish for it to never wither. Need we practically drown it in water or grow a grove of trees to act as a canopy from the blistering sun, I will keep that grass alive. Because it’s worth it. Divine and lush and unbeatable.

So I’m worried that my little complications will be too bothersome. I pace at the idea that you might consider it easier to go. But maybe there’s something beautiful in caring so deeply for something that you wilt a little at just how much. Maybe it’s a poetic problem to have; to just want to make it even better than the sublimity it already is. For if it wasn’t this, it would be something. There is no doubt about that. Complications simply by other names. But if I had to tell you something, it wouldn’t be that I’m afraid, that I’m worried you’ll go, that I unfairly assign these fears to you even in the warm light of knowing you do so much to lift my heart and ferry me forward down this petal laden path. No. I would tell you that there are no lengths I consider too great. And should you want to see how grand they can get, I will be most eager to.

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