Loops

Silver Lining by Rilo Kiley was my chorus after I left. It was the relentless chant in my mind before I did. Maybe there’s more.

Maybe some people don’t feel confined to small rooms. Maybe some people aren’t scared in their own homes. Maybe some people don’t wake up with a racing heart. Maybe some people listen to the screaming of their souls. Maybe I’m your silver lining, but I can be gold.

Silver Lining by Rilo Kiley was the final jagged cry of a gut and its long awaited reckoning, after it had been stumbling upon validation around every corner and transfiguring it into superstition.

I’m certain that song bounded through the echoey rooms of the apartment I’d moved into just shy of two weeks later. The floor so dirty my feet were eternally black, but I didn’t care. I’m sure I sang along with gleeful freedom, the weight upon my small frame noticeably gone. I was way too thin. My hip bones clawing their way free of my skin. I still had a long way to go.

My first post here was a reconciliation of what I’d gone through. Since then, so much life has happened that I have – nearly literally – a different identity. It’s something I’ve put to bed long ago, but I start when it tosses and turns. May I ever be free of the grief?

Perhaps. In the 2 plus years since those days, every dream I’ve had has come true. I sit on the bed I share with the love of my life. I write on the laptop sent by the company that pays me double what I made then. I’m called something else, something better. I have two more dogs to love. I am a published author. I am living the exact life I constructed in my head.

I look upon that life I had now like god must survey the Earth. So very removed, so very far away, so very small compared to what I’ve made since. But I believe that my journey is a series of loops. This nightmare I had that disguised itself so successfully like a dream to my green eyes was a catalyst. And every fractured piece of my psyche closes a loop as it meets its destination. Perhaps I am not yet free of the grief because I am still meeting the glorious end results of my piecemeal breaking.


We’re in an Uber to the airport on the way to your hometown, and Silver Lining by Rilo Kiley comes on the radio. I smile deeply as I remember that long-ago version of me walking down Kinney with this song soothing the frantic parts of my heart. I smile as I remember the girl attempting the biggest, most worthwhile things in her life. I smile as I sit next to the only person I’m ever going to want, whose parents will greet us at the front door even though our plane lands at midnight. I smile even though these things will never be free of the coating you left. I feel the loop close.

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