Graceless

Under every disciplinary lash out towards a subject lies a personal insecurity on the part of the superior. Perhaps we think we’re reprimanding them for not fulfilling their duties, but perhaps they’re simply not playing the role we cast them in. Maybe we’re dissatisfied with their response to something, but maybe that’s only because they’re validating concerns we had about our own judgement calls.

To err is to be human, and so is to forgive. We can’t erase our behavior so it becomes vital that we never leap without looking. But the human spirit operates a microsecond faster than the human mind. It’s only once we’re in flight that we realize there’s nothing for us to land on. Can we find forgiveness in ourselves for the moments when others catch that fall? Are we deserving of that forgiveness? Are these slip ups part of our humanity or are the monsters creeping out?

I wrestle constantly with giving as much love as I have in me to anything that should feel it. I pour it over my nearest and dearest with generosity of spirit. I pride myself on being a good friend, partner, animal owner. And I dismay at the moments when my anxiety eclipses my ability to think rationally. I shudder at the idea that anyone may have witnessed me in those raw moments when my heart was in fight or flight. I wonder if they understand. I wonder if they’ve been there too. 

I pray not for forgiveness but often for forgetfulness. Lord, remove from their minds any trace of this person that I can be. Let them not know the shift that occurs when I buckle under the hands I’ve been dealt. But I’m not sure this is the wisest course. Because others continue to pour their love over me with generosity of spirit. They speak not of the moments when I falter under the weight of the world, they return with open arms for the person I try desperately to be.

Perhaps this is a symptom of not loving myself quite enough and not trusting in the love that others give to me. I will never be perfect, that is written in the fabric of my humanity. But maybe it’s enough for all the people that I fail that I am trying my hardest.

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