faith

trust, like grace, tests my limits of its understanding. it’s not that I don’t trust in faithfulness, in spoken word, in the intentions of the heart. it’s that I didn’t know there was something more, a caveat. i must trust in the longevity of it all. that the nature of what i trust isn’t fickle and contingent. that the uninviting dregs of sleep don’t divert you from the forever you spoke of. that when you promise it, in the way that you can after confessing you can’t understand it, it isn’t a momentary assertion. that when i’m my smallest, meekest, lowest, you look at me the same way i look at you; a hot toddy to the heart. warmth that stems from a smile and blossoms in the chest. i must trust, lest i spurn you with such a lack of faith, that your love matches mine. i must trust over and over and over again. i hadn’t realized.

in the lack of friction, in the easy days, the comfortable nights, i still will a chorus of fears to follow me where i walk. i wonder when the silence goes unbroken, jokes gone unregistered, moments too deprived of fire. i wonder if you’ve changed your mind. and i must trust in a way that i haven’t before. over and over and over again.

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