i will sit with you in the dark

These little pleas we extend to depression. Deals with our devil. I’m still here. But I’m not at the forefront of this vessel. I can’t stop the tears, I can’t reason with my logic. An anchor to my chest binds me to this place in the dark recesses of my being and depression steers. I can see where we’re walking and I know what I have to do; small favors that depression doesn’t take kindly to. But I know when I wake up, when I’m once again in charge of my own faculties, it’s me who has to pay the price for the things that were discarded, not depression. And so I bargain with it. I tell it that it will, in fact, be having dinner tonight. It will, indeed, take care of the small things I intended to do. It will ferry me through this time I regretfully wish away, a practice I’ve been steadfast not to engage with. There’s so little of it to begin with, I chide the whimpering in my head that tells me if I can only get through these next couple of days…

So much guilt… so many things I once invited that now I dodge. So many people I can see from behind the looking glass that I wish I could reach. I despair that they believe they’re speaking to me but instead have met an imposter. A facsimile that intends me nothing but harm. How many people I could have been a brighter self towards, so many things I could have shown up better for. It’s a ledger I don’t know how to clear, one many may not even know I have. But I’ll never forget. How many conversations they thought they had with me but had instead with a fraud.

But I make my little choices, and I wrestle with my sadness, and I find some footing on the path I was walking before my mind was eclipsed. I hear the little whispers that claw to fill in the tempting blanks of my consciousness. I know what they’re saying and I find good reason to believe them. But I tell myself they’re baseless fibs, even if I don’t quite buy it. And I walk the world in the same way I would if my mind were under my jurisdiction. I spend my day making these little deals with the devil that’s inside me so that I don’t wake up tomorrow to tolls to pay.

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